I hate transitions

packing up my life and feeling a little creatively aimless

I wrote my last final today, and thus marks the end of any formal education I will ever have in my life. I am relieved because studying is hard and I don’t know how I managed to memorize so many things in undergrad. I am also sad because being in school again helped me pursue interests for the sake of it. I did the sort of learning that I love, which is to say that I showed up to class every day, actually paid attention, and by the end of the semester, I was shocked by how much I had retained.

However, ever since I wrapped up classes a few weeks ago, life has been in flux. I’ve been slowly shedding furniture, and now there is only a mattress on the floor of my bedroom. Because Philly apartments are somehow allowed to build rooms without any lighting fixtures, I have only the meager light of my desk lamp. I no longer have a desk or a monitor, so I do my work either in libraries or with my laptop propped up on my thighs. Back pain, I greet you as a dear friend. Without the responsibilities of classes to attend, I’ve lost all semblance of a routine, and I float through every day doing things but ultimately feeling unproductive. My diet has also regressed to that of a child because I’m trying to get rid of everything in my fridge. So I’ve been eating a lot of peas, chocolate, and Lao Gan Ma.

insightful graffiti

At the same time, I’ve been having conversations with my editor about book 2, and there is a major rewrite on the horizon. I have not started yet because we’re still hammering out the outline, but this process is really different in many ways from how I typically write. The very existence of an outline is already a huge shift from my typical pantsing approach, and part of me is afraid that all the agonizing over plot, setting, and character development will take the magic out of the drafting process. I fear that because so much of this story has been written out in plain language, I will not be able to breathe life into it. Also, having stakeholders in the creative process is hard. There are outside expectations and the fledgling “author brand” that I’ve created, and somehow this book has to operate within these guardrails.

The combination of all these things has made it difficult to write. Writing is something I have to build into my routine, and I do it best when life is stable. But the current upheaval that I’m experiencing with my outline and with moving means that I haven’t been doing much writing at all. The natural planner in me wanted to work towards something and believe that I would finish another draft by X date. But then I realized that there are other factors at play besides my own inspiration, and that setting deadlines for myself when I’m not the only one controlling this timeline is as useful as trying to build a house on quicksand.

So, I’ve decided to let it go for the time being. I’m focusing on packing things up, the last few trips with friends, and preparing for a new chapter of life. I’ve also been watching movies with astonishing speed, searching for stories that will once again inspire me to want to bottle the emotions they make me feel and turn them into something of my own. I’ve given myself permission to lie flat on the couch and not get up for at least three hours, or go to a happy hour that somehow bleeds into closing time. Unfortunately, I’m in a bit of a reading rut lately. I’ve been reading, but the stories are blurring together, and nothing really stands out. I also am now cursed to read books as someone who has written one, meaning that I spend too much time deconstructing them instead of losing myself in the story. So if you have recommendations, please send them my way!

In lieu of sharing something I’ve written (because the only writing I have done in this past week is this newsletter), I’ll share a few movies that I’ve really enjoyed in the past week:

Cast Away - I grew up listening to my dad quote the “Wilson, I’m sorry” scene. I don’t know why it took me so long to watch this, but wow what a well-paced movie that displays the resilience of the human spirit.

The Bridges of Madison County - The chemistry, the yearning, the idea that some loves can only exist within the parentheses of a sentence. I’m still thinking about it.

Lust, Caution - The highest-grossing NC-17 film of all time. I had to see what that was about. Boy, did I see. Besides the sexiness, there’s betrayal, espionage, big jewels, and 1940s Shanghai.

Pretty Woman - After trying a couple of recently released, lackluster rom-coms, I went back to this old classic. I think the problem with movies nowadays is that they rarely convince me that two people are right for each other, but with this one, I could believe it.

Challengers - I was expecting the love triangle, but not the hot and heavy bromance. I like.

I hope you get out there and find some inspiration for yourself. If you do, let me know.